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Abatis: Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside. What you have to get by on if you don’t kiss-up to the boss; 4. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous; 2. That period when children feel their parents should be told the facts of life; 6. Bison: What you say when your child leaves for school Bison Slider: What you might have to eat if Mc Donald’s finds out you’re copying its burger. A wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways”; 2. Bladder: The human apparatus that pays the tax on beer. Blameless: A person who has obviously never been married. Usage: “Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday.” Blew: Colour of the wind. Bloatware: Computer software that takes up a large amount of memory but has, in proportion to the space it takes up, minimal functionality. No point in washing it - just blow it off and put it back in the silverware drawer. Blurricane: A natural disaster that moves too fast to be seen clearly. An old computer so useless that it needs to go to sea. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.” Bobbleheading: The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting to comments made by the boss even though most have no idea what he/she just said. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. A person who opens his mouth and puts his foot in it. Braille-iant: Of or pertaining to the Joe-kster’s work to help out Blind people (i.e. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. Brandy: A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-destruction and four parts clarified Satan. The drink of heroes - only a hero will venture to drink it. Brisbane: A perfectly reasonable explanation (such as one offered by a person with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they smoke 50 cigarettes a day). British Museum: The most magnificent collection of stolen antiquities in the world. High-mindedness which has been flattened by experience; 3. Conservation: A state of harmony between men and land. A man who acts impulsively after thinking for a long time; 2. Consult: To seek another’s approval of a course already decided upon. Abalemma: The agonizing situation in which there is only one possible decision but you still can’t take it. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer. What will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter; 3. Actress: A person who works hard at not being herself. That period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he’ll be as dubm as his father; 5. Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children. as practiced by socially correct women who have attended classes on the subject in tandem with their sensitive mates. Bishop’s Caundle: An opening gambit before a game of chess whereby the missing pieces are replaced by small ornaments from the mantelpiece. Blowtensil: A utensil, such as a spoon or knife, set at the table but not used during the meal. Blues Singer: Someone who makes every day sound like Yom Kippur. Blunt Person: One who says what he thinks without thinking. Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money. Thrown out when you need it, and taken in when you don’t; 2. Bra: Decoration draped by your wife over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom. A person who starts out telling white lies and soon grows colour blind; 2. That bodily organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office. A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; 2. What a man looks for in a woman after he’s looked at everything else; 3. Brilliant Epigram: A solemn platitude gone to a masquerade ball. The ability to smile when you suddenly discover that your roommate and your girlfriend are both missing from the dance floor; 2. The thing that hurts when everything else feels so good; 18: What makes you worry about what it couldn’t stop you from doing; 19. Conscientious Woman: One who never breaks a confidence without first imposing the strictest secrecy. Consul: In American politics, a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country. Emergency teeth to temporarily replace those knocked out by mistake. An instrument invented by the man who couldn’t decide how big the one was that got away; 2. Accordion Music: Noise that comes from playing both ends against the middle. One who is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study. Advergaming: Marketing strategy of using video games in which products, brands & logos are placed in the game context to build familiarity. Said to improve cardiopulmonary fitness of those who survive. Affianced: Fitted with an ankle ring for ball-and-chain. A fellow who rises to the occasion - and then stands too long; 2. Usage: “Pass me attair gravy, please.” Attentional Blink: A brief period of inattention following the locating of a target item in a stream of visual stimuli. Auction: A place where, if you aren’t careful, you’ll get something for nodding. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue; 2. A vehicle which is rapidly dividing mankind into two classes: the quick and the dead; 4. Autonomy: What there will be if I gain another 1,800 pounds. Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse). Avenge Yourself: Live long enough to be a problem to your children. Something that gets you down in the daytime and up at night; 9. Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. A chap who believes it’s much better to have loved and lost than to have to get up for the 2 A. A guy with just a single thought: staying that way; 7. A man who can pull on his socks from either end; 13. A place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it. Banquette: The correct rules and behaviour to be followed when you meet your money lender. Barefoot Luxury: A high standard of service in a relaxed and casual setting as at a beachfront hotel. A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and developed in department stores on Mondays; 2. A game in which you young man who bravely strikes out for himself receives no praise for it; 2. Bawl: (Southern) What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. Betamaxed: When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition, as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market.” Betrayed: Ready to go through the cafeteria line. Bewilder: An insect who forgot to take his Ritalin. Bibliomania & Bibliolatry: Symptoms related to “Overdue Excuses Awards for Library Books” Bid: A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. Convictions: What an employee has after he knows what the boss thinks. Accomplice: One who lacks brains as well as honesty. Accordionated: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. Adoption: Growing in Mommy’s heart, not in her tummy. Affluenza: The epidemic of shopping, overwork, stress and debt infecting America. A-Flat Minor: The result of a piano falling down a mine shaft. A man who knows exactly what not to say, but not when to quit saying it; 3. Though boring, gives us the low-down on a lot of people we used to consider bright; 2. The horrible headache you have when you’ve finished the algebra test. Assembly Language: Put tab A into slot B, then put tab C into... Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. A man who looks through a telescope and tries to explain all that he can’t see; 4. One who prays when he can think of no other way out of his trouble. Attraction: The act of associating horniness with a particular person. One who can equally and impartially admire all schools of Art; 3. The science of doing it with machines at the plant so that men can have more time to do it themselves at home; 2. Autumn: A second spring when every leaf is a flower. Piece of cloth that stops woman from looking so ugly; 2. Average: The poorest of the good and the best of the bad. Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses. A man who can take a nap on top of the bedspread; 14. Bamboo: Eye-pleasing, but extremely expensive and difficult-to-maintain type of rod, used primarily by anglers who fish for compliments. Baptism: A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. A test to determine just how old you really are; 2. A transaction in which each party thinks he has cheated the other; 3. A game which consists of tapping a ball with a piece of wood; 3. Usage: “That gal cain’t even bawl water without burnin’ it.” Bay: A body of water surrounded by restaurants. Beach: A place where people lie upon the sand about how rich they are in town. What an eight-year-old will be on next birthday; 2. Bent: The species of grass most often found on greens. Bid Opening: Apoker game in which the losing hand wins. Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.

Absent-Mindedness: Searching for the horse you are riding. Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. The proof that things are not as bad as they are painted to be; 2. The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible; 13. The one thing which it is “more blessed to give than receive;” 4. You never know whether it’s good or not until you no longer need it; 6. Two or more pieces of contrary angling information contained in a single phrase or sentence; 8. Awkward Age: When girls are too old to count on their fingers and too young to count on their legs. Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when; 2. Bathel: To pretend to have read the book under discussion when in fact you’ve only seen the TV series. A girl who has a lovely profile all the way down; 2. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom. Having one husband too many and monogamy is frequently the same thing; 3. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good housewife; 7. Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. Bimbo: Any woman to whom you pay a compliment, while in the company of your wife. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bookbag: A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student IDs, loose change, magazines, and (occasionally) books. Boomeritis: The range of sports-related injuries incurred by baby boomers as they pursue health and physical fitness programs into their old age (such as bursitis, tendonitis, sprains, strains & stress fractures). Border Crossers: Multi-skilled employees who feel comfortable jumping from job to job inside a firm. A man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company; 7. One who is interesting to a point - the point of departure; 11. The kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you; 13. Boss Of The Family: Whoever can spend fifty dollars without thinking it necessary to say anything about it. Botany: The art of insulting flowers in Greek and Latin. Boundary: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other. Any ordinary guy more that 50 miles from home or office. Contract: An agreement to do something if nothing happens to prevent it. Convent: A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness. Corral Enterprises: A company with a lot of stockholders. An arsenal of facial enhancements commonly applied in excess by women and male celebrities who feel the need to look embalmed; 3. Cost Of Living: The difference between your net income and your gross habits. A guy who gets into trouble by following a good example; 2. Agrophobia: The fear of being beaten up in an open space. Alcoy: Wanting to be bullied into having another drink. The method some women use for taking the drudgery out of housework; 13. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. A country that has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. One who gets mad when a foreigner curses the institutions he curses; 2. A man who is free to choose his own form of government - blonde, brunette, or redhead. Anality: The act of being anal retentive over something. Analysis: An excuse to take something to pieces to see how it works. Apple Computer: The fruit of rapid growth in a high-tech industry. Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. A class that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it really involves. The reason Mom’s sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you; 2. Antifreeze: What happens to your mother’s sister when you steal her blanket. Apparently: As either mother or father would do it. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw; 2. Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. April 1: The day we are reminded of what we are the other 364. Archive: Where the two bees stayed after Noah brought them aboard. The only vegetable you have more of when you finish eating it, than you had when you started. Artificial Intelligence: The goal of building a computer to think and learn like a human being. Artisan Food: Food which is made by traditional, often labour-intensive methods and usually in small batches (rather than by large-scale factory processing). A man whom no girl has maneuvered into a situation where she can say, “Yes.”; 36. Bad Taste: Simply saying the truth before it should be said. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, “Baggage Claim Area. ” Baile Funk: A style of fast dance music with hard-edged vocals, originating in Brazil, and with lyrics characterized by the ethos of the favelas (or the slums) of Rio de Janeiro. Aground: When a boat makes the discovery that all water has land under it. Aldclune: One who collects ten-year-old telephone directories. The stuff that makes separations look like reparations; 14. Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.” Allege: A high rock shelf. Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that hey cannot separately plunder a third. Aloha: A sound you hear when someone with a deep voice laughs. Alphabet: A toy for children found in books, blocks, pictures, and some soup. American Language: English run over by a musical comedy. Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again. Amusement Park: A walled city populated mainly by teenagers, who willingly pay to have their bodies and brains agitated on a variety of fiendish contraptions designed to induce vomiting. Anarachnophobia: The fear of spiders wearing waterproof coats. Aqualibrium: The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (A) having to suck the nozzle; or (B) squirting himself in the eye. Something that everyone has, but it looks better on a girl; 2. Ancestor Worship: The conviction that your family is better dead than alive. Anesthetic: The painkiller that crazy women refuse during labour. Angler: A man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won’t let him do it at home. Event involving two bugs who fall in love and run away together. Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on makeup. Antimony: A necessity in any poker game being played for money. When you ask one court to show its contempt for another court. Appeasement: The policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile, one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last. April Fool: The March fool with another month added to his folly. A science that proves you can’t keep a good man down; 2. The best husband a woman can have - the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. Ardcrony: A remote acquaintance passed off as ’a very good friend of mine’ by someone trying to impress people. A fellow who never finds out how many faults he has; 37. Bad Times: A period when people worry about the business outlook instead of being on the lookout for business. Bait: A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth of power. Someone who would rather have a small role than a long loaf; 7. Actor’s Agent: A guy who sometimes bites the ham who feeds him. Admissions Office: Where you’re taken to admit that you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during ’new student weekend.’ Admonition: 1. A period in which children begin to question the answers; 4. Biscuit Dough: A primitive adhesive used extensively and successfully by brides to prevent loss of their wedding bands. Blonde Joe-ks: Joe-ks that are short so men can understand them. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. Boaster: A person with whom it is sooner done than said. BP: Company in Gulf of Mexico that turns your barbecue into a tarbecue. The thing you are forced to use if you haven’t much formal education; 3. What a man looks for in a wife, after not using any in selecting one; 2. Briefcase: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. An inner voice that warns us somebody is looking; 17. Consciousness-Raising: The fine art of teaching well-adjusted citizens to view themselves as victims of oppression. Aboriginies: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. Absecon: An annual conference held at the Cobalt Hotel, Vancouver, for people who haven’t got any other conferences to go to. When a boy has reached the state when he knows why a strapless gown must be held up, but doesn’t understand how; 9. That which makes you think you’ve longed all your life for something you never even heard of; 2. The fine art of making you think you have longed all your life for something you never heard of before; 4. The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. Something which we give by the bushel but take by the grain; 2. Bathing Suit, Modern: Two bandannas and a worried look. A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning; 2. A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again. Book Censor: A person who reads so much he gets asterisks in front of his eyes. The guy who watches the clock during the coffee break; 4. Bowling Alley: A quiet place of amusement where you can hear a pin drop. A jobless person who shows executives how to work; 3. The only person who can do what everyone else would like to do - pat himself on the back. Core Storage: A receptacle for the center section of apples. Coronary Bypass: When the king’s youngest son is crowned instead of the eldest. Corporal: As high as you go and still have friends. Coupe D’Etat: The forcible takeover of a government by someone in a 2-door car.

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Air Conditioning: An invention for sucking the warmth out of the sensuous summer air, so that we might shiver in July and work through the season without dreaming of hammocks or lemonade. Algebra: Undergarment worn by female math teachers. Something which enables a woman to profit by her mistakes; 19. American Idealism: Being willing to make any sacrifice that won’t hurt business. Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. Something too old to be anything but too expensive. ) Usage: See “Rats” Arguing With A Woman: There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Something that gets better when you don’t have facts; 3. Arrow Margin: Milestone for an Archery contest winner. Arsonist: A person who sets the world on fire, at least in a small way. A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable; 42. A man who can take women or leave them, and prefers to do both; 44. Bachelors: Married men may have better halves, but bachelors have better quarters. Backward Nation: One that hasn’t tried to borrow money from the U.

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